So Im Backkkk.

Well I Decided That I Should Start Posting Again. 
Not Having The Internet Is Hard Because I Absolutly Hate Using My Phone Auto-Correct Really Sucks.



so those who actually read this stay tuned because i will start posting again tomorrow. i have alot to say and its a little late so im going to hold off for a day.

so until tomorrow (:
adios. and may you all have a safe night.

First Day Back To Work.

Sorry If I Ramble... Ive Been Trying To Get All My Thoughts Straight. Its Alot To Take In At 21.

    I Havent Been On Here In A Couple Days... Mostly Because Ive Just Been Spending Time With My Boyfriend And Family. Its Been Really Nice. I Guess Im In A Good Place I Dont Know If Thats A Good Or Bad Thing... I Have Been Missing Zy Like Crazy Though.
    My Mom Got All Her Teeth Pulled Today. I Took Her In The Morning It Was Horrible. I Started Reading 50 Shades Of Grey (If Youve Read It: Wow... Thats All I Can Say).  I Think It Took Her Like 2.5 Hours Or Something. That Wasnt Bad But I Felt So Bad For Her When She Came Back Out. They Put Her Dentures In Right Away But She Was In Alot Of Pain. It Sucks When Someones In Pain Or Sick And You Cant Do Anything About It... But My Dad Bought A Sippy Cup Because She Couldnt Drink Out Of A Regular Cup(That Didnt Work Either).  When He Showed It To Me I Almost Cried. But Ive Been Learning How To Deal With Things Better. 
    That Brings Me To This... So Recently I Started Feeling Horrible Because Things Are Going Ohkayy For Me Right Now.  Its Been 2 Weeks And 4 Days Well Almost 5. Shouldnt I Still Be Upset?. I Mean I Am. And I Do Cry Sometimes. And I Still Get Sad... My Biggest Issue Is My Thoughts Are Still Everywhere So Its Hard For Me To Talk About Somethings Because I Just Dont Know How I Feel.  I Just Think That Maybe Im Wrong For Trying To Make This A Good Time?. Ive Just Had A Rough... Uhm 5 Or 6 Years And I Just Want Some Good. Zyaire Was Supposed To Be That. But Since He With God Shouldnt I Focus On Being Better?... But Its Been Less Than 3 Weeks(To Be Honest If Feels Like Months).  I Should Still Be Laying In Bed Feeling Horrible. But Ive Decided Im Going Back To Work Saturday... 
    Ha Actually Russel Did. He Says He Told Me. But He Didnt Or I Just Never Got That Message. Shit And I Have To Get A Dr. Note... I Dont Have A Doctor. Like I Went Through 2 Before Being Sent To A High Risk Then Going To A Genetic Specialist And Then Having My Son... And My Genetic Specialist/OBGYN/Pedestrian (The Lady Is A Genius) Said To Just Call Her If I Have Any Problems But She Only Does High Risk So She Said She Could Refer Me To  A Regular OB. But I Think Im Going To Try To Go Back To The Lady I Had Before I Went To The First High Risk Dr. 
    Who Knows I Liked Her For The Whole 1 Appointment I Had But Who Knows. I Kinda Want To Find A Permanent Doctor Because What If I Have Another Kid... I Dont Want To Have To Go Through All The Doctor Changes Again.    
    Im Mad My Boyfriend Is Asleep And Im Bored... Beccas Out... So Im Going To Wake Him Up(: My Hands Are Officially Tired Of Typing.


Rest In Paradise Zyaire I Love &+Miss You<3.    

Shoutout To The Moms Who Have Lost A Child.

It Amazes Me That There Are So Many Women In The Same Position As Me... 

I Am So Lucky I Found BBC Because I Dont Know What I Would Have Done Without Some Of Those Ladies. I Never Actually Realized How Many People Lost A Baby Before (Well I Also Never Thought I Would Be In That Group). 

     Anyways It Will Be 2 Weeks On Monday And In These 2 Weeks Ive Met Soooooo Many Woman Who Have Lost Babys. Not Even Miscarriages, These Are Woman Who Had A Stillborn Or Their Baby Passed Soon After Birth.  Why Isnt This Talked About?. Why Are We Pushed To A Corner And Left To Fend For Ourselves?. Thats A Little Over Dramatic But Thats How It Feels. 

   Im Only 21... Well Ill Be 22 In August But When I Got Pregnant Never Did I Think That Could Happen To Me. I Did Think I Was Going To Miscarry But Once I Got To 4 Months I Was Relieved.  Its One Of Those "That Could Never Happen To Me" Things. It Took Me All The Way Until A Week Before Zy Passed Away For His Condition To Go From Poor To Fatal. Some Ladies Dont Even Know Anything Is Wrong Until They Give Birth, Or Go Into Early Labor Randomly. 
     The Woman Who I Have Had The Pleasure Of Meeting Through This Journey Were So Strong They Are Truly An Inspiration.  Each One Helped Me Figure Out Something About This Path Ive Been Chosen To Go Down Not To Mention A Lady From Texas Who Just Let Me Babble And Helped Me Do Research On My Sons Condition And Treatments To Ask The Doctor About Before He Passed.  I Always Knew God Put People In Your Life For A Reason But I Feel Like I Am Really Seeing Him Work Right In Front Of My Eyes. These Ladies Taught Me That Life Still Goes On. My Son Is Well Takin Care Of And Now I Need To Take Care Of Me.  I Remember Being Told It Was "Ohkayy To Be Sadd". But I Dont Think I Really Felt Sad Until I Was Leaving The Hospital And I Kissed Zyaires Little Head And Told Him I Loved Him And Thats When I Realized I Wouldnt See Him Until It Was My Time To Go To God.  After That I Was Incredibly Sad. Its A Situation That No Matter How Scared Or Sad You Are You Just Cant Avoid...
    Anyways I Just Wanted To Give A Little Shout Out To All The Ladies That Lost Children(Miscarriages Included). No Matter How Much Time We Got To Spend With Our Babies We Are Still Mothers.  Our Children Live On Through Us<3. And All The Ladies From BBC You Guys Are Amazing And So Strong. 

May All The Little Babies Rest In Paradise Along Side My Baby Boy Zyaire

Zy Came Home Today (:

    Bringing Him Home Was Bittersweet... Im Happy To Finally Have Him Here With Me But It Was Hard Bringing Him Home In An Urn And Not A Car Seat. I Also Got My Little Shelf Set Up With His Stuff... Its Not What I Want But It Will Work Right Now Its Cute And On Something My Sister Built In Wood Shop.  Once I Get My Stuff In There And Back To Work Im Going Get A Different Kind Of Shelf I Want To Have A Picture Of Him Up On My Wall. I Really Cant Wait To Get Back To Work So I Can Have Some Money In My Pockets. This Is My First Week In A Year I Wont Get A Pay Check. Im Probally Going To Call The OBGYN I Went To Before I Was "High Risk" And See If I Can Get A Checkup To Get Cleared For Some Kind Of Work.
    My Mom Said I Need To Wait A Couple Weeks But I Already Owe Them To Much Money. Man I Wont Even Get Into That... I Owe Them So Much Especially My Mom. I Dont Know What I Would Have Done With Out My Family And My Boyfriend. It Actually Scares Me To Think About It. They Got Me Through All This. My Mom Basically Did Everything For Me.  I Cant Imagine My Life Without Them. 
   Speaking Of My Mom I Was Talking To Her Today. I Dont Know If Im Just Anxious To Do Something Because I Feel So Lost Just Sitting Here, Or If Zy Just Motivated Me That Much. Im Going To Make Sure I Honor My Son. No Matter How Sad I Am (I Couldnt Help But Cry When I Was Putting Up His Stuff) I Wont Let This Be A Bad Time For Me. When I Think Of Zyaire I Want To Think Of All The Good Things I Did  To Better Myself After He Passed.  Alot Of People Say "This Is A Dark Time" But I Want It To Be A Time I Can Remember As Positive.
   All Day I Thought About How I Wanted To Go Back To Work. Its Been Almost 2 Weeks... Well Monday It Will Be 2 Weeks. I Wont Go Back Until After Monday But I Guess I Gotta Wait Until My Check Up. Or Just Not Let My Mom Know I Went To Work... LOl How Would I Do That? Well I Could Always Change Before I Leave Work. Ha She Would Kick My Butt. I Just Cant Help It Though I Dont Do Good Just Sitting Here And I Really Need Some Money Because I Got Things I Want To Do. I Will Probally Get My Hair Cut And Dyed Though Before I Go Back. Im Going To Ask Marvin To Borrow Some Money. Thatll Probably Be A Bad Idea But It Would Make Me Feel Better... 
   
 

Another Big Day Tomorrow...

Zy Is Ready To Come Home. Yayy. I Struggle With The Fact He Was Cremated Its What I Wanted Its Just That My Perfect Baby Boy Is Now Inside An Urn. But Im Happy He Will Be Home... Were Going To Get The Room Ready And I Want To Get Some Kind Of Tree To Plant After We Bring Him Home Like A Memorial.
    My Boyfriend Has Been Amazing I Couldnt Have Asked For Anyone Better. Im Kinda Scared All The Good Will Blow Over But I Hope Not Because I Dont See Myself With Anyone Else. Hes Been So Supportive.
   Ohh Zys Obituary Was In The Paper Today And Will Be Online For A Year That Made Me Happy Seeing His Name. I Got All Excited In The Store So Did My Boyfriend I Know They Thought We Were Crazy. But Whatever I Like Reading His Name On Paper It Makes It Feel More Real I Guess... I Love My Son.
   So I Guess All I Needed Was Some Motivation I Think Im Just Trying To Give All This A Reason. My Goal Is To Get Back In School And Save Some Money And Get My Own Place... I Want To Use This Time To Better Myself This Way Its Like He Has Meaning. I Dont Want My Son To Be A Bad Time In My Life. 
   Anyways Thats All For Tonight Because I Kind Of Have A Headache. 
Im Sure Ill Have More To Ramble About Tomorrow Seeing As How Ive Got Alot To Do. This Is The First "Project" Im Tackling Since My Sons Been Born.

Rest In Paradise Zy Baby<3. 

Struggle Of The Day / Rambling

It Seems Like Everyday I Have A New Feeling Im Struggling With.
Today Was Being Fat Not Pregnant... I Couldnt Find Anything To Wear, My Chest Is HUGE So Shirts Are Hard To Find Like My Pre-Pregnancy Is To Small But My Maternity Stuff Is To Big. And Im Not Pregnant Anymore /: Which Bums Me Out. My Boyfriend Has Been Great-> Which Does Scare Me. Because Im Scared It Will End. Hes Really Helped Me Alot So Far, I Hope He Knows How Much I Appreciate Him Taking It Easy On Me. But I Know It Was Hard On Him Too.
    Next Step Is Getting Some Money Saved Up And Getting A Place... I Want To Go Back To School For Nuclear Medicine. Its Just Something Ive Always Wanted To Do. My Sister Is Talking About Going To School So Maybe I Can Get Her To Go With Me. I Kinda Have This Fear Of School Ive Always Hated It...Not Like A Typical Kid Hates School Its Just Not For Me. I Dont Like Doing Homework, I Dont Like Being In A Room Full Of People I Dont Really Know, I Dont Like Answering Questions Or Asking Them In Front Of These People, But I Do Love Tests. I Was Always Good At Them. But Anyways The Point Is If I Take Anything From This Experience With Zy I Want It To Be Something Positive, Something That Will Better Me. School Will Do That. I Can Finally Make Some Decent Money And Do What I Want With My Life. I Know Things Would Have Been Different With Zy Here But Since I Cant Have That Im Going To Take This Time To Become The Best Person I Can Be. If Zyaire Is Looking Down On Me I Would Like Him To Be Proud. 
    On A Better Note Ive Been Slowly Trying To Get Back Into Doing Things. I Went To Walmart The Other Day And To The Hospital With My Boyfriend( Which Was Hard Because It Was The Same Room I Found Out I Was Pregnant In... Same Hospital I Went To Before I Found A Decent OB/GYN).  I Want To Start Going For Walks If I Can Motivate Myself, I Need To Lose Some Weight I Really Want To Get Back Into The Gym. Well Once I Heal Because My Moms Complaining About Me Going Back To Work To Soon. 

Ahh Then Theres Work: Im Really Scared, Actually Terrified. Luckily Im Just Working In The Kitchen And Everybody Back There Knows Itll Probally Be Akward(Which Is Why Im Nervous Because I Dont Like Akward Moments) But Then Theres The STNAS Which I Know Alot Of Them Already Know And Alot Of People Gossip So Im Assuming Everyone Knows. But What If Someone Doesnt And Asks How Im Doing... Ive Only Talked To 1 Person From Work And Shes Like A 2nd Mom To Me. I Mean Everybody Else Is Cool Though I Dont Know Why Im Scared To Go Back. I Just Dont Want People To Treat Me Funny I Guess. And I Dont Want It To Be Akward Because People Dont Know What To Say.  Thats What I Tell My Boyfriend I Need Him To Be Happy Because It Makes Me Happy I Dont Want To Be Sad All The Time. I Know If I Had Passed Away And Zyaire Made It I Would Want Him To Be The Best Person He Can Be And Make The Most Of His Life. And As My Son I Think He Would Want The Same For Me.


So Bassically I Realized No Matter What I Do I Cant Bring Him Back-> I Havent Completely Accepted It Yet. Deep Down Inside I Know All I Can Do Is Become A Better Person For All This And Help People Going Through The Same Thing Because Without My Family And My Boyfriend I Would Have Crumbled... Its Crazy I Never Realized How Many People Go Through Something Similar To What I Went Through. Its Almost Common But Yet Its Never Really Talked About.  I Never Thought I Would Be Where I Am Today. I Told My Mom It Was One Of Those "That Would Never Happen To Me" Situations. 


I Miss My Son Like Crazy And I Forgot To Mention The Funeral Home Called Today When My Mom Answered The Phone My Heart Sank I Get To Pick My Son Up Thursday... That Sounds Weird Right?. It Kinda Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable. I Got Really Sad Thinking About The Baby I Held Being Cremated But Im Happy Hell Be Home. One Of The Ladys I Met On BBC (Which Has Been Amazing) Said She Planted A Oak Tree For Her Daughter When They Brought Her Home. I Kinda Want To Do Something Similar For Zy I Think That Was Nice I Dont Know What Ill Plant Though After I Take My Boyfriend To The Dr. We Can Go Pick Out Something.  


Im Done Rambling... I Doubt Anybody Gets To This Part LOl. My Thoughts Are Everywhere These Days.