Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Struggle Of The Day / Rambling

It Seems Like Everyday I Have A New Feeling Im Struggling With.
Today Was Being Fat Not Pregnant... I Couldnt Find Anything To Wear, My Chest Is HUGE So Shirts Are Hard To Find Like My Pre-Pregnancy Is To Small But My Maternity Stuff Is To Big. And Im Not Pregnant Anymore /: Which Bums Me Out. My Boyfriend Has Been Great-> Which Does Scare Me. Because Im Scared It Will End. Hes Really Helped Me Alot So Far, I Hope He Knows How Much I Appreciate Him Taking It Easy On Me. But I Know It Was Hard On Him Too.
    Next Step Is Getting Some Money Saved Up And Getting A Place... I Want To Go Back To School For Nuclear Medicine. Its Just Something Ive Always Wanted To Do. My Sister Is Talking About Going To School So Maybe I Can Get Her To Go With Me. I Kinda Have This Fear Of School Ive Always Hated It...Not Like A Typical Kid Hates School Its Just Not For Me. I Dont Like Doing Homework, I Dont Like Being In A Room Full Of People I Dont Really Know, I Dont Like Answering Questions Or Asking Them In Front Of These People, But I Do Love Tests. I Was Always Good At Them. But Anyways The Point Is If I Take Anything From This Experience With Zy I Want It To Be Something Positive, Something That Will Better Me. School Will Do That. I Can Finally Make Some Decent Money And Do What I Want With My Life. I Know Things Would Have Been Different With Zy Here But Since I Cant Have That Im Going To Take This Time To Become The Best Person I Can Be. If Zyaire Is Looking Down On Me I Would Like Him To Be Proud. 
    On A Better Note Ive Been Slowly Trying To Get Back Into Doing Things. I Went To Walmart The Other Day And To The Hospital With My Boyfriend( Which Was Hard Because It Was The Same Room I Found Out I Was Pregnant In... Same Hospital I Went To Before I Found A Decent OB/GYN).  I Want To Start Going For Walks If I Can Motivate Myself, I Need To Lose Some Weight I Really Want To Get Back Into The Gym. Well Once I Heal Because My Moms Complaining About Me Going Back To Work To Soon. 

Ahh Then Theres Work: Im Really Scared, Actually Terrified. Luckily Im Just Working In The Kitchen And Everybody Back There Knows Itll Probally Be Akward(Which Is Why Im Nervous Because I Dont Like Akward Moments) But Then Theres The STNAS Which I Know Alot Of Them Already Know And Alot Of People Gossip So Im Assuming Everyone Knows. But What If Someone Doesnt And Asks How Im Doing... Ive Only Talked To 1 Person From Work And Shes Like A 2nd Mom To Me. I Mean Everybody Else Is Cool Though I Dont Know Why Im Scared To Go Back. I Just Dont Want People To Treat Me Funny I Guess. And I Dont Want It To Be Akward Because People Dont Know What To Say.  Thats What I Tell My Boyfriend I Need Him To Be Happy Because It Makes Me Happy I Dont Want To Be Sad All The Time. I Know If I Had Passed Away And Zyaire Made It I Would Want Him To Be The Best Person He Can Be And Make The Most Of His Life. And As My Son I Think He Would Want The Same For Me.

So Bassically I Realized No Matter What I Do I Cant Bring Him Back-> I Havent Completely Accepted It Yet. Deep Down Inside I Know All I Can Do Is Become A Better Person For All This And Help People Going Through The Same Thing Because Without My Family And My Boyfriend I Would Have Crumbled... Its Crazy I Never Realized How Many People Go Through Something Similar To What I Went Through. Its Almost Common But Yet Its Never Really Talked About.  I Never Thought I Would Be Where I Am Today. I Told My Mom It Was One Of Those "That Would Never Happen To Me" Situations. 

I Miss My Son Like Crazy And I Forgot To Mention The Funeral Home Called Today When My Mom Answered The Phone My Heart Sank I Get To Pick My Son Up Thursday... That Sounds Weird Right?. It Kinda Makes Me Feel Uncomfortable. I Got Really Sad Thinking About The Baby I Held Being Cremated But Im Happy Hell Be Home. One Of The Ladys I Met On BBC (Which Has Been Amazing) Said She Planted A Oak Tree For Her Daughter When They Brought Her Home. I Kinda Want To Do Something Similar For Zy I Think That Was Nice I Dont Know What Ill Plant Though After I Take My Boyfriend To The Dr. We Can Go Pick Out Something.  

Im Done Rambling... I Doubt Anybody Gets To This Part LOl. My Thoughts Are Everywhere These Days.

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