First Day Back To Work.

Sorry If I Ramble... Ive Been Trying To Get All My Thoughts Straight. Its Alot To Take In At 21.

    I Havent Been On Here In A Couple Days... Mostly Because Ive Just Been Spending Time With My Boyfriend And Family. Its Been Really Nice. I Guess Im In A Good Place I Dont Know If Thats A Good Or Bad Thing... I Have Been Missing Zy Like Crazy Though.
    My Mom Got All Her Teeth Pulled Today. I Took Her In The Morning It Was Horrible. I Started Reading 50 Shades Of Grey (If Youve Read It: Wow... Thats All I Can Say).  I Think It Took Her Like 2.5 Hours Or Something. That Wasnt Bad But I Felt So Bad For Her When She Came Back Out. They Put Her Dentures In Right Away But She Was In Alot Of Pain. It Sucks When Someones In Pain Or Sick And You Cant Do Anything About It... But My Dad Bought A Sippy Cup Because She Couldnt Drink Out Of A Regular Cup(That Didnt Work Either).  When He Showed It To Me I Almost Cried. But Ive Been Learning How To Deal With Things Better. 
    That Brings Me To This... So Recently I Started Feeling Horrible Because Things Are Going Ohkayy For Me Right Now.  Its Been 2 Weeks And 4 Days Well Almost 5. Shouldnt I Still Be Upset?. I Mean I Am. And I Do Cry Sometimes. And I Still Get Sad... My Biggest Issue Is My Thoughts Are Still Everywhere So Its Hard For Me To Talk About Somethings Because I Just Dont Know How I Feel.  I Just Think That Maybe Im Wrong For Trying To Make This A Good Time?. Ive Just Had A Rough... Uhm 5 Or 6 Years And I Just Want Some Good. Zyaire Was Supposed To Be That. But Since He With God Shouldnt I Focus On Being Better?... But Its Been Less Than 3 Weeks(To Be Honest If Feels Like Months).  I Should Still Be Laying In Bed Feeling Horrible. But Ive Decided Im Going Back To Work Saturday... 
    Ha Actually Russel Did. He Says He Told Me. But He Didnt Or I Just Never Got That Message. Shit And I Have To Get A Dr. Note... I Dont Have A Doctor. Like I Went Through 2 Before Being Sent To A High Risk Then Going To A Genetic Specialist And Then Having My Son... And My Genetic Specialist/OBGYN/Pedestrian (The Lady Is A Genius) Said To Just Call Her If I Have Any Problems But She Only Does High Risk So She Said She Could Refer Me To  A Regular OB. But I Think Im Going To Try To Go Back To The Lady I Had Before I Went To The First High Risk Dr. 
    Who Knows I Liked Her For The Whole 1 Appointment I Had But Who Knows. I Kinda Want To Find A Permanent Doctor Because What If I Have Another Kid... I Dont Want To Have To Go Through All The Doctor Changes Again.    
    Im Mad My Boyfriend Is Asleep And Im Bored... Beccas Out... So Im Going To Wake Him Up(: My Hands Are Officially Tired Of Typing.


Rest In Paradise Zyaire I Love &+Miss You<3.    

Shoutout To The Moms Who Have Lost A Child.

It Amazes Me That There Are So Many Women In The Same Position As Me... 

I Am So Lucky I Found BBC Because I Dont Know What I Would Have Done Without Some Of Those Ladies. I Never Actually Realized How Many People Lost A Baby Before (Well I Also Never Thought I Would Be In That Group). 

     Anyways It Will Be 2 Weeks On Monday And In These 2 Weeks Ive Met Soooooo Many Woman Who Have Lost Babys. Not Even Miscarriages, These Are Woman Who Had A Stillborn Or Their Baby Passed Soon After Birth.  Why Isnt This Talked About?. Why Are We Pushed To A Corner And Left To Fend For Ourselves?. Thats A Little Over Dramatic But Thats How It Feels. 

   Im Only 21... Well Ill Be 22 In August But When I Got Pregnant Never Did I Think That Could Happen To Me. I Did Think I Was Going To Miscarry But Once I Got To 4 Months I Was Relieved.  Its One Of Those "That Could Never Happen To Me" Things. It Took Me All The Way Until A Week Before Zy Passed Away For His Condition To Go From Poor To Fatal. Some Ladies Dont Even Know Anything Is Wrong Until They Give Birth, Or Go Into Early Labor Randomly. 
     The Woman Who I Have Had The Pleasure Of Meeting Through This Journey Were So Strong They Are Truly An Inspiration.  Each One Helped Me Figure Out Something About This Path Ive Been Chosen To Go Down Not To Mention A Lady From Texas Who Just Let Me Babble And Helped Me Do Research On My Sons Condition And Treatments To Ask The Doctor About Before He Passed.  I Always Knew God Put People In Your Life For A Reason But I Feel Like I Am Really Seeing Him Work Right In Front Of My Eyes. These Ladies Taught Me That Life Still Goes On. My Son Is Well Takin Care Of And Now I Need To Take Care Of Me.  I Remember Being Told It Was "Ohkayy To Be Sadd". But I Dont Think I Really Felt Sad Until I Was Leaving The Hospital And I Kissed Zyaires Little Head And Told Him I Loved Him And Thats When I Realized I Wouldnt See Him Until It Was My Time To Go To God.  After That I Was Incredibly Sad. Its A Situation That No Matter How Scared Or Sad You Are You Just Cant Avoid...
    Anyways I Just Wanted To Give A Little Shout Out To All The Ladies That Lost Children(Miscarriages Included). No Matter How Much Time We Got To Spend With Our Babies We Are Still Mothers.  Our Children Live On Through Us<3. And All The Ladies From BBC You Guys Are Amazing And So Strong. 

May All The Little Babies Rest In Paradise Along Side My Baby Boy Zyaire